It has been a good week so far, a good week and a half.  Today was the first day in many I've been edging down, which I don't like.  
I don't analyse anymore and am tryin' to be more apathetic, to not approach everything with emotion, which has got to be better than what I was doing.  But I was just lotsa lazy today and was feeling a bit unclear.  It's because of the review, I've been a tad panicked and disappointed.  It's a challenge, and I can meet it, there's no issue.  I just learnt that I can't fight things, I need to aceppt them, and do what I can then to make the situation better for me.

IToday was a downer though.  I was tired.  Every other day I've been waking up happy, really happy, and energetic.  I've realised one hit is all it takes and it stays with me.  My work review was fine but not as hip hop as I'd hoped.  Nothing is bad as such I just want this to work.  I have the fire inside to get through it, but ever since I found out I started feeling down again.  I need to deal with it, make it better, work hard.

I think I'm feeling that urge that I need to get away.  Not a holiday.  Not this and that.  I want to move to another city and begin a fresh.  I will ask Katrina about it, see what she has to say on that idea.

I haven't visited the grave.  

I'm getting closer to the idea.  Maybe I need to go tomorrow.  


Face the music.  Then dance.


Otherwise, I'm inspired a lot by the vision of myself, what I want to get to, but bothered by the similarity.  I can't document it because it comes across as pulling at sticks, when it is not.  I need to discuss this with Katrina too.  I want to be myself, and I believe I am, in doing this.  I think I will be stronger, come across better, if I do this.

I'm itching to move cities.  I'm stressed as all hell right now.  I need to get away.


Sid

my hunger is for all i have
and all i have is what feeds me

to fly
to seek frontiers
is to feed


patterns are dangerous
they are not pretty, woven lines.


I am free
eating up the sunlight
full bellied on this moonlight

Drifting 
without the threads

I see the delectable, wonderful connections
relationships (follow this, young woman!)
and I welcome it

I turn my back on nothing
I do not rub against
be coarse

I am flotsam
wave over wave

Grateful for the storm

i'm happy.  centered (getting there...) and it feels great.  i'm quietly ecstatic, like a kid playing hide and cheek, thrill tummied behind the couch.  it's hard to keep it to yourself, like, when inspired.  so it goes here.

i danced around last night to 'Hijera' by Joni Mitchell and 'Bone Machine' Tom Waits, and fell in love again too, with 'Black Wings' and funnily enough, 'black crow' by Joni.  Beautiful stuff.

I am going to do some writing today, not of my online character, but some actual writing.  I want to write something positive.  Not so bleak.  I'm excited, about life, and this I want to translate through all aspects of my life, especially in my art, where I express.  And to not hide in my art, but to let it out, to grieve, and move on.  I took out pictures of my mother and placed them in front of some books, and I didn't feel confronted or say, and I was not prone to it, the movement.

I think there is a magic in ritual.  To become concerned with good and whole things.  Real things.


I know what I write and feel and what I will bring to myself, because of what I give out, is one of these good, whole, real things.  Palpable and potent.  I write without darkness.  This is what spurns me on, why I burn, why I am electric.

I have not felt happy for a sustained period in a very long long time.  Too long for a young person.  I have my whole life before me, to be who I want to be.  No blue hotel rooms.  No sad faces.  No more walking widdershins to pain.


Sid

Current Mood: happy

I've embraced, at long last, myself.

I found a mirror and have had the heart to look in it and accept myself.

I was inspired by a character online, who by all means, is me in certain ways, the reflections.

It is eerie, but the image and the feeling reminds me of the person inside, the places I am headed for, the magic I can lend to the world, and those I love, and those I seek.

Sid


This signature title has been used with the express permission of the Mun.  Out of respect for her own creation and words, however what I deem as applicable to me is all here, all real, not a character.  The moniker of Obsidian Shayd is my life to this point, my accepting this with hands, heart and mind, and moving forth.
Free. Bold. Beautiful.Brave.